As no one else in my family can be bothered to stay up and humour me during my Oscar marathon I have decided to broadcast to the masses via Me And My Big Mouth. Here is the pointless, blow by blow account of my Oscar night, typed as it happens and then uploaded in one big chunk as the sun starts to rise over Windsor. I am mainly doing this to amuse myself, you don't have to read it.
22.00. Pre-Oscar Preparations. A quick walk to the corner shop to stock up on Pringles and suitable chocolates. The fresh air perks me up as I have been awake since 8.30 and will be hitting my normal bedtime pretty soon.
22.30. Creating The Ambience. Clear away the 6 Barbies and scattered Pokemon cards that litter the floor in front of the telly so that my eyeline is unpolluted and pure for the visual festival of frocks that is to come. Although, on second thought, watching the Oscars with a bunch of Barbies is about as close as I will come to actually being there so maybe they should stay. Now that would be a great photo to post up here. I am sorry to disappoint.
23.00. Tweaking. Set up the laptop and a pile of manuscripts so that I can read during the boring bits. Arrange snacks and drinks within arm's reach. Plump up pillows.
23.01. Light Bulb Moment. Realise that there are still two hours before it starts so settle down to some quality reading.
23.42. Pay Attention 007. Get an email from a friend asking if I saw Fern Cotton interviewing Maggie Gyllenhal on the red carpet. What?! I haven't even got the telly on yet. Although the awards start at 12.30 in the morning there is all sorts of preamble going on elsewhere. Poo. Will turn it on now.
23.50. Ahh, I Get It. The red carpet shenanigans are all on Sky One and the awards are on Sky Movies. Fern Cotton is doing her best to grab the stars as they slink down the carpet. I find it hard to take my eyes off her tattoos when she is interviewing and the first person she grabs is Al Gore so I switch over to ITV to catch the Carling Cup Final highlights and enjoy watching a bunch of big girl's blouses slap each other silly.
00.21. Tattoos & Pringles. It has just dawned on me that Fern Cotton's wrist tattoo is a fern frond. Nice. I have opted for cheese flavoured Pringles tonight. Never had them before.
00.30. Remote Control. Right, have changed channel now for the main event. Claudia Winkleman is presenting, I have always thought she is quite funny so I won't mind sitting through the next 4 hours or whatever it is with her. Her panel of guests to start things off are three people I have never ever heard of: an actor and two critics. I am sure they are lovely.
00.41. Pringle Update. One third eaten and no Oscars given. Need to close the lid and move on to chocolate covered raisins if I am going to successfully pace myself.
01.05. Tick Tock. There are still 25 minutes until the awards begin but now we are being entertained with the American coverage of the red carpet.
01.10. Good Dress Bad Dress. Nicole Kidman's red number is stunning but she could afford to put on a stone or two. I hope she has an extra large bucket of popcorn ordered for the show. Jennifer Hudson appears to be wearing shoulder armour. Not a good look.
01.38. PJs. Ellen Degeneres appears to be presenting in her pajamas.
01.45. Hallelujah! A gospel choir has just danced through the audience with Ellen playing a tambourine. She might be wearing her night attire but she has won me over. The gospel choir does it every time.
01.50. And The Oscar Goes To. We have our first winner. Pan's Labyrinth wins Art Direction. It does look rather lush. Lots of happy Mexicans. And then Maggie G comes on stage which means one happy Englishman. If you haven't seen Secretary then you really should. She is a revelation and much better looking than her brother, although he is quite cute in a cowboy hat.
01.57. The Funny Men. Jack Black, Will Ferrell and John C Reilly turn presenting the Make Up award into a song and dance number and are really rather funny. Pan's Labyrinth wins again. Ole.
02.16. 19th Time Lucky? Nope, 'fraid not. Kevin O'Connell fails to win an Oscar for the 19th time in a row. What does the man need to do? This reminds me of a story about Vitas Gerulaitis, the tennis player. He finally beat Jimmy Connors after losing to him 16 times in succession. At the post-match press conference he came up with the immortal line 'no one beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row'. Sadly he wasn't quite as immortal.
02.26. Best Supporting Actor. Alan Arkin wins, Eddie Murphy doesn't. Caroline will be pleased, she wants Little Miss Sunshine to win everything.
02.56. And Now For A Word From Our Sponsors. We keep getting the same ads during the breaks. Penelope Cruz has convinced me that Elnett is the hairspray for me. It will make it feel soft, like satin.
03.00. What's A 79? There seems to be a strapline beneath the Oscars logo this year - Find The 79s. What the hell does that mean?
03.01. Blunt's Breasts. Emily Blunt's breasts appear to want to escape from her dress. Let them go if they want to, that's what I say.
03.05. Smile. Tom Cruise and all of his teeth come on stage to present the Humanitarian Award to Sherry Lansing who seems to have almost as many teeth as Tom. Time for me to have a cup of tea and stain my own teeth yellow.
03.14. Cinematography. Pan's Labyrinth wins again, this exotic Mexican film could end up being the biggest winner of the night. I haven't seen it. It looks good. My bum is a bit numb now to be honest.
03.16. It's A Rabbit. There are a troupe of shadow dancers recreating images from the nominated movies in, er, shadows. Quite odd.
03.22. Surplus. I seem to have overestimated my snack requirements. There are going to be a pile of nuts left. The same can't be said for the hob nobs.
03.24. Class. Catherine Denueve comes on stage to present the Best Foreign Film. She is the finest looking woman in the whole show.
03.37. Omnipresent. Jennifer Hudson, a former American Idol drop out, wins an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. The chap behind her looks a lot like Alan Giles. It probably is him. Fat Face, OFT, why not the Oscars? Hudson thanks God, his first acknowledgment of the night. I'd be a bit disappointed if I were him, and if I existed.
03.49. Recycling. An Inconvenient Truth wins Best Documentary Feature and Al Gore is hailed as a hero. But then Clint walks on and we get a real hero. He hands an honorary Oscar to Ennio Morricone. Has Morricone never won a proper one? How odd.
03.56. His Heart Won't Go On. Shit shit shit. Celine Dion comes on to serenade Morricone with one of his songs. What has the poor man done to deserve that? As if it isn't bad enough that he only gets an honorary Oscar, he has to listen to this old trout? The least she could have done was wear her silly backwards outfit one more time and given the old fella a bit of a laugh. He gets his own back by making his acceptance speech in Italian. Bravo.
04.04. Did You Know? That Elnett disappears at the stroke of a brush?
04.46. RIP. It is that bit where they play a tribute to all those within the industry who have died in the past year. There is always one person that I never knew was dead, this time round it was Bruno Kirby who was in The Godfather Part II and When Harry Met Sally.
04.54. There Ain't Nothing Like A Dame. As nearly everyone on the planet predicted Helen Mirren won Best Actress for The Queen. I bet that woman who always impersonated the Queen in Two Ronnies sketches and suchlike feels she was robbed.
05.05. Run Forrest Run. Whittaker wins Best Actor, another predictable one, and becomes only the second winner to thank god, thereby securing his place in heaven where, I would guess, he won't bump into Idi Amin.
05.08. Holy Trinity. Lucas, Spielberg and Coppola jointly present the Best Director award to, who else, Martin Scorsese. He must have known he'd won when those three trotted up to award it. Mind you, he'd have thought he'd won it with Goodfellas when, I hasten to remind you, he lost out to Kevin bloody Costner.
05.14. The Big One. The Departed wins Best Picture and some fat British bloke walks up and accepts it. Apparently he was the producer. Well done lad.
And that is it. It has all been reasonably slick and quite restrained. Nothing inspirational but it was worth staying up just to see the director of Raging Bull, Goodfellas, Mean Streets and Taxi Driver finally win an Oscar.
Thank you and goodnight.