Guest Blogger: Tim Relf

I’ve been trying to come up with publicity stunts to coincide with the launch of my next novel.

OK, so I’ve got no experience in PR, but it can’t be that hard surely. All I need to do is think creatively. Taking Prince William hostage is my current preferred option. Nothing vindictive, you understand, just maybe take him to my house in Carshalton for a few hours then drop him off at the station with a Zone 5 travel card.

Friends tell me my plan is not without its flaws. Aside from the feasibility issue, there’d be consequences - like prison. An act of terrorism, they tell me, is not good PR. I keep coming back to the positive effect it would have in terms of awareness.

What this makes me realise is that, like a lot of writers, I’m crap at PR. Trouble is, the internet has made DIY PR very tempting for authors.

We’re all it these days - using social networking sites, blogs and websites in a bid to become bestsellers. Some have gone further and are making podcasts, webcasts - even loading mini-movies onto YouTube. Sadly, most simply end up wasting huge amounts of time without achieving anything.

It’s one more excuse to avoid doing what we’re supposed to be doing - and heaven knows we’ve got enough of those as it is.

When I watch a dvd or sit in the garden with a beer, my other half asks: Why aren’t you working? The internet, however, is the ideal place to surreptitiously while away an afternoon when I’d rather not buckle down. “Oh, you know, PR-related stuff,” I could always reply if she asks.

Blogs are my current drug of choice. It started off with occasional forays into this weird and wonderful world called the blogosphere. Then it grew. It wasn’t just book blogs I read anymore, it was ones about the countryside, about cats, about football, about food, I even found myself looking - through an elaborate series of links - at a blog in which a man explained about his constipation. Very interesting, but it wasn’t exactly going to get me an appearance on Front Row, was it!

Add to this the amount of time I spend on sites like Facebook and on writing forums (and this is before I get round to looking at other authors’ websites) and heaven knows there’s barely any time left to write. That stuff’s a full-time job.

The holy grail, it seems, is for something you do online to spread exponentially - or, as it’s known in the lingo, ‘go viral’. I’m obviously getting left behind: the only time I’ve gone viral was once, briefly, in 1997 although thankfully a tube of cream and a course of antibiotics soon cleared that up.

In the old days, the example writers gave to demonstrate the lengths to which they’d go to avoid sitting at their desk - the sort of job they’d seek out in a bid to procrastinate - was ‘clean the house’. Nowadays they don’t even have time to clean the house because they’re too busy wasting time on the web.

Even the other internet-related opportunities for wasting time - checking Amazon sales rankings and googling yourself - have seemed positively passe since the arrival of social networking sites and blogs.

I suppose becoming your own PR can be fun and means you do get to meet people, albeit in a ‘virtual’ way (and God knows we could do with doing that a bit more) but ultimately if you’re not writing, you won’t have anything to sell.

Applying one of the few things I remember from school economics - the law of comparative advantage - to the book trade tells me authors should be devoting the maximum amount of time possible to what they do best: writing. Publishers generally do PR best, as they have the skills and experience in this area.

If we’re serious about our business, we have to be strong. We have to learn, when the many and varied temptation of the internet come upon us, to just say no. We have to stay away from these places like recovering alcoholics have to stay away from pubs. Real writers just focus and get on with the job at hand: writing.

So why the hell, you’re probably wondering, am I writing about this? On a blog, too! Well that’s my point. I’m as guilty as anyone. I enjoy it. Besides, I’ve got an awkward chapter to write and, frankly, this seemed like the ideal excuse to avoid doing it.

Anyway, back to my Prince William idea. Even if I was caught, I’m convinced there’s a best-selling memoir in there. Relf: My Life in Guantanamo.

Although, hang on, bearing in mind how Google searches for key names and words, I ought to make the title:  Relf: My Life in Guantanamo  - my shock hell inside without Britney Spears, Jose Mourinho, Keira Knightley, Gordon Brown or George Bush.

See what I mean: writers shouldn’t be let within a mile of this PR stuff.

Tim Relf's novels Stag and Home have been published by Piatkus and Time Warner in the UK and US.  He's currently working on his third.  You can visit his website at www.timrelf.com.

 

Comments

[Danny Rhodes]

PR. I recently ran a creative writing workshop. I had a dozen takers. I thought perhaps most of them would purchase 'Asboville' and read it to see what my credentials were. So a dozen more readers who might go out and purchase the next book and become readers for life...

At the end of the four weeks (one night a week) I don't think any of them had got around to it. One person actually asked me if I'd lend them a copy to take on holiday!

The best PR a writer can have I feel is the old 'word of mouth' and we're pretty powerless to control that...

[Lance]

Go for the kidnapping.
Terrorism is the new cheese and wine.
Did wonders for those Al Quaeda fellows.

[roger]

Great piece. I certainly recognise myself in the description you give. I've tried everything. I think when you have a book come out you get this terrible, desperate need to do something, anything. You've got to get the word around somehow. Then, after you've done everything you can think of to do, you're overcome by this terrible empty realisation that none of it makes any difference.

Incidentally, I've tried to sign up to Facebook two or three times and it just won't let me in! I never get that email confirming membership. I'm pinning everything on being able to get into Facebook one day. Then you really will see my sales soar.

[Rufus]

Spot on! My plan centres around an appearance on Big Brother - 12 weeks of hell must surely guarantee me sales.