Guest Blogger: Tim Relf

Most authors obviously suffer from snow-blindness, amnesia or shellshock.

At least, that’s the impression you get if you look at the photos in book jackets and with reviews.

Why is it these people are always staring off into the middle distance? Why do they all have a startled/sedated/removed/retarded* (* delete as appropriate) look?

Why are they always to be found in incongruous surroundings? Stood against walls like they’re about to be shot? Perched unnaturally on swings or tree branches? Gazing out to sea like they’re waiting for a rescue ship?

Publishers are partly to blame; they have set ideas about what constitutes a good author photo. Photographers, too. ‘Look pensive,’ they’ll say. ‘Look thoughtful. Look contemplative.’ Never mind looking at the bloody camera.

Factor in writers’ clichéd view of how they’re supposed to look in these pictures (plus, of course, their huge vanities) and what results is a portrait of someone who appears to be mid-seizure. Arty, some people call them. Cross-eyed, more like.

The old favourite is the detached, haunted expression - ideally hinting at a troubled past.

Anything in the face that says addiction, criminal convictions or an exotic, peripatetic lifestyle is desirable (ever wondered how DBC Pierre managed to get his mugshot so widely used?)

Expressions and poses that suggest writerly tendencies such as ‘withdrawn’, ‘damaged’ and ‘introspective’ are also popular.

It’s good if you’re very fat (indulgent, hedonistic) or very thin (you’ve starved for your art, God damn it). Sultry is always a winner. Sex sells, after all.

Wearing black is evidently to be applauded. Beards go down well (obviously mainly for the men). Ditto being pictured with a pet. Golden retrievers seem particularly popular.

You’re onto a winner if you’ve got dark and curly hair (it suggests Byronesque sensibilities). Alternatively, the cropped, bad-boy military look is popular among male writers.

For women, long hair is obviously favoured (it suggests bohemian retreats in Devon), as is the blonde sassy girl-about-town look.

Being snapped for your first author photo is, in fact, as much of a rite of passage as feeling disappointment at your first advance or fabricating your first review on Amazon.

For mine, I opted for the industry-standard hand-on-chin literary pose, but all it prompted was an email from a friend asking if was trying to cover a shaving rash.

‘Look like a writer,’ the photographer said. That was difficult: it’s hard to do self-absorption and unreasonableness on demand.

He asked me to change my shirt and trousers; I explained my reluctance was not due to any inherent uncooperativeness, more that we were in a shopping centre car-park in Maidstone.

He told me to smile; I grimaced. He told me to relax; I almost got run over. He told me to imagine I was far away; believe me, I wished I was.

Subsequent pictures haven't improved much (as the one here demonstrates. People mostly asked me if I'd hurt my neck when they saw it.)

I can see why strange photos get used. The public has a set view on what they think authors should look like and publishers, like journalists who decide what photos with reviews, don’t want to disappoint their punters.

The book trade, like newspapers and magazines, is all about making a strong first impression and mugshots need to be interesting and engaging if they’re going to grab people’s attention.

Looks like I better grow a beard and buy a golden retriever before my next book comes out.

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Tim Relf is the author of the novels Stag and Home. His website is here.

Comments

[DJ Kirkby]

I never really paid much attention to book jacket photos before reading this. I seem to have missed out on the comedy element they have to offer...which is just typical of me :)

[Jane Turley]

Very funny! Actually, I think I'd rather not see a portrait of the author at all - too easy too fall into a judgement about the content of the book. It would only work as reverse physcology for me - for example - a book with a pink cover written by a 30 something with a blonde bob would be put in my "to burn" pile but if I were to flip to the rear cover and see a piccy of a 90 year old grandad with a pipe, deerstalker and several large warts I'd probably want to read it; I like suprises.

Anyhow, should I ever be lucky enough to have a book published I am now fully prepared for the debacle, I will therefore elect to show the world my derriere instead. At least then I'll get to block the hole in the ozone layer at the same time.

[Marie]

My author photo is the best picture of me I've ever seen. Shame I don't live up to it in real life. Oh, and I'm wearing black in it. And have long, dark, curly hair... Nobody has called me Byronesque though (yet).

[DampandDusty]

Don't grow a beard!

That way madness lies.

By the way, its not just the 'head cocking'..I also have issues around the choice of jumper..