Me And My Big Mouth

Doggie Arseholes

If your kids are of picture book reading age then you have to check out The Great Dog Bottom Swap by Peter Bentley and Mei Matsuoka. It is a work of near-genius.

A bunch of dogs attend a posh party. They are asked to leave their bottoms at the door. So they all remove their arseholes and hang them on hooks in the cloakroom. My favourite picture shows an array of pink donut ring pieces hanging on the wall.

But there is a fire at the party and the lights go out so the dogs have to rush off, grabbing the nearest available bumhole as they leave.

Which is why, when two dogs meet for the first time, they check out each other's backsides.

Brilliant.

Quick Flick: Rich And Mad

Maddy is 17 and has decided that she needs to fall in love. Properly, madly in love.

William Nicholson's frank and honest novel about teen sex and romance is near the knuckle enough to offend concerned (for which read: out of touch and unrealistic) parents while at the same time almost certainly winning a bunch of teenage fans.

Fun, sexy and refreshing fiction for young adults.

Will I read on? Sadly, I am about 20 years too old for this, but I wish more books like this had been around when I was younger.

Rich and Mad by William Nicholson is published by Egmont.

Quick Flick: Ask Alice

Full disclosure: I don't get on with DJ Taylor.

Never actually met the bloke but we had a disagreement over his use of the word 'bribe' when speaking about Waterstone's to a national newspaper.

When I called him on it he suggested that the company's marketing charges were tantamount to bribery. I suggested that a less emotive word might have been more appropriate - 'bribe' implying dodgy dealings and brown paper bags stuffed with cash - and offered to discuss it further over tea and cake.

I never heard back from him. Perhaps he doesn't have a sweet tooth.

In a perverse way I was sort of hoping Ask Alice would be really good and then I could write an amusing post about how you can love a novel even when you think the author is a tosser.

No such luck.

It's not that the book is bad, it is just decidedly unremarkable. At least, the opening section is. I didn't get any further.

The set-up is quite intriguing - an American society hostess in 1930s London is threatened with scandal when her past starts to catch up with her. Perhaps I have been spoilt by watching Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day recently. Whereas that story, which is in a similar vein, is bright, breezy and fun, Ask Alice is somewhat staid and a tad reserved.

Will I read on? No, there really are too many hidden gems waiting to be discovered to persevere with an average novel like this. If you have managed to get to the end and want to disagree with me then feel free.

Save The Date

The next Firestation Book Swap in Windsor will be on Thursday 20th May. 

Stick it in your diaries now. I want none of this 'oh, I have due to give birth that day' or 'I am off on holiday to the Bahamas' nonsense. Plan ahead people.

I will be hosting festivities alongside the fragrant and flexible Marie Phillips. Our guests will be historian Kate Williams, she of Becoming Queen and England's Mistress fame, and Charlie Williams, author of Stairway to Hell, Deadfolk and others.

They should make for a lively combination. I am assured that they are not related.

If you haven't been to a Book Swap before but 'have been meaning to' then get your arse in gear and come along to this one. We'd love to see you.

Tickets are a mere £5 and available online or on the night at the box office.

You can also share some of the Book Swap love by following our Twitter feed, joining the Facebook group or downloading the podcasts from iTunes.

We are very modern.

Quick Flick: The Preacher

I am probably somewhat pre-disposed towards Swedish crime fiction at the moment given how much I enjoyed The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and whilst my quick flick through this didn't suggest it would be challenging Larsson's bestseller for my affections it was certainly a good read.

A woman's body is found on a rocky outcrop. Beneath the body police find two skeletons, decades old. Are the finds linked? And does this new murder offer clues to the old ones?

Will I read on? Yes.

The Preacher by Camilla Lackberg is published by HarperCollins.

Places To Go, People To See

The Literary Platform is a new website which showcases projects that experiment with literature. It is full of exciting digital stuff and well worth a peek if you are interested in the cutting edge of publishing.

If you haven't seen Authonomy yet it is a place where unpublished authors can post up their manuscripts for others to read and comment on. It is managed by my employers, HarperCollins, and has seen a bunch of titles signed up by publishers including, I believe, a couple of Top 10 bestsellers.

I dip in to it fairly regularly to keep an eye on what's going on. The standard is variable but it isn't too difficult to find some good stuff. I recently commented on Robin Who?, a comic novel about a time-travelling history teacher, and Make Cake, Not War, a cracking piece of chicklit. Both are books I came across when The Friday Project was a struggling indie and I am delighted to see them getting a warm reception on the site.

I don't know if independent publishers are checking Authonomy but there are some gems to be found there.

Just starting to get into Bookalicious but liking it so far.

Some very good book reviews and comment at Tony's Book World.

And if you are a fan of fiction in translation then the Three Percent website may be of interest. I have also just come across this new publisher of European literature and their blog.

I would be very interested to learn of any good literary sites you have come across recently. Please do share.

Quick Flick: Tales Of Freedom

A collection of short, poetic fables that the blurb suggests is the invention of a whole new form.

I don't know about that, but I do know I didn't have a clue what was going on.

There is a certain folksy charm to the whole thing but it lacks any real grounding, any substance. I suspect many readers will have forgotten much of the content by the time they close the book.

I know I have.

Will I read on? It is short enough to polish off in one sitting but I simply couldn't be bothered.

Tales of Freedom by Ben Okri is published by Vintage.

Mrs Big Mouth Is An Exhibitionist

My wife, the lovely Rhian Winslade, will be showing her work as part of the Querns Fine Art Exhibition from 15th-23rd May.

Querns is hosting a bunch of artists and their work for what we hope will be a sunny week in May. It is near Reading so perhaps close enough for some of you to pop over.

You will find sculpture, jewellery, ceramics, painting, collage and photography. It promises to be quite a show.

Rhian will be there in person for much of the week and me and the kids will pop along as well. Do please come to say hello and take in the amazing work on display.

Rhian works mainly in ceramics and makes pots, tiles, hanging ornaments, brooches and even fridge magnets but you will also have the chance to check out some of her more eclectic stuff such as the fabric cupcakes and weird hanging stones.

 

The exhibition is open from 12-6 daily with late nights till 8 on the Thursday and Friday. You can find more details, a slideshow of the artists' work, a list of who's who and directions at the Querns Fine Art Exhibition website.

A Song For Sunday

Compliments by Band of Horses.

Quick Flick: Double Jeopardy

An undercover policewoman is shot in a drive-by shooting, presumably ordered by the drugs baron she has just sent down.

She survives and teams up with a private detective to track down the culprits.

A decent, solid crime novel - pretty strong for a debut. Not sure the £18.99 price tag is going to win many fans but once a more reasonably priced paperback hits the shelves I wouldn't be surprised to see it sell very well.

Will I read on? Not quite for me but this will find an audience, I am sure of that.

Double Jeopardy by Martin Stratford is out now.

Scenes From A Hammock

   

     

Quick Flick: Farlander

It is rare for me to find a fantasy novel that doesn't alienate me in the opening pages with a bunch of made-up words, silly character names, elaborate over-doing it and just plain silliness.

Farlander opens with a gripping assassination set piece and manages to progress beyond that without putting me off. So far so good.

Ash is an elderly assassin forced to take on a young apprentice. Together they set out on a mission that, whether successful or not, with change their kingdom forever. Stock genre stuff, sure, but an example that doesn't exclude those of us who don't send hours playing Warhammer.

Will I read on? Probably, it has been very enjoyable so far.

Farlander by Col Buchanan is published by Tor.

Guest Blogger: Mike French

"We look forward to working more closely with The View from Here, a creative, forward-thinking magazine that will help us spot and promote new talent." 

Alessandro Gallenzi, Publisher and Managing Director, Alma Books

Bestseller, a novel by Alessandro Gallenzi, has the line, “What’s really scary is that there may be hundreds, even thousands of genuinely talented writers whose voices are drowned out by the white noise that surrounds them. More and more publishers won’t even consider unsolicited or unagented manuscripts any more.” And many writers, agents and publishers recognise the frustration of that. For Alessandro’s novel draws on his experiences as a publisher and writer and rings many a true note. These days it seems everyone with access to a computer thinks they can unleash a novel – tip tapping away in the assurance that the world will gasp and the awards will follow the moment they unleash their precious manuscript into the publishing world. Their novel will rise like a volcanic cloud bringing the publishing houses to a standstill as they wonder at it.

Of course in truth most people write the most awful rubbish. These are the writers that create the cloud of white noise that Alessandro describes. There should be laws against it – look for the party in the coming election that makes it an offence to post out piles of sewage to agents and publishers. Instead of a polite, “we read your submission with interest, but felt it was not quite right for us at this time,” most writers should receive a court summons for crimes against humanity.

Of course there are exceptions. If you are new to writing that exception in all likelyhood is not you. Really. Not yet anyway.

However the talented unpublished writer does exist. And even rarer, the talented unpublished writer that is a natural and has not spent years developing their craft. These species have many predators. For wolves circle the corridors of power in the publishing world waiting to empty writers’ bank accounts for services or to sweep them up with the masses into the self published gloop that forms another type of slush pile.

So we in the industry need to help these rare species – those that can actually write – escape the noise, the slush, the fluttering of notes from their ATM’s as they try to buy their way out of oblivion. Because if we don’t stop seeing writers as purely a form of income for us, then we are all dead. Who cares if books are going digital or if paper survives if all we are producing is variants on the gems we found back when publishing was controlled by those with a heart and soul. We need fresh new talent that we haven’t seen before. Because out there are writers that can whip up a volcanic storm if we could only for a moment stop, block out the white noise and look up.

Mike French is the senior editor of the literary magazine The View From Here which last month launched its Publishers’ View Agreement, a new agreement between The View From Here and 14 publishers including Random House, Bloomsbury and Penguin Books. Under the Publishers' View Agreement The View From Here will work with key people in the industry from around the world to help publishers identify fresh new talent without taking any fees from the writers it showcases.

Quick Flick: Lords Of The Sea

Hale argues that the glorious civilisation of Athens would never have come about if it wasn't for the Athenian navy. The initial decision to build the mighty triremes, the democratic status of the crews, and the great wealth - both material and intellectual - that they generated for the city's citizens were the foundations of a great empire.

Without that navy we may never have had the drama, philosophy and other lasting contributions that Athens passed on.

It is a compelling case and a riveting read. I already have an interest in the subject and a reasonable general knowledge of it but there is loads here that is new to me and much of it approached from a fresh perspective - from the sea.

Will I read on? Yes, and soon.

Lords of the Sea: The Triumph and Tragedy of Ancient Athens by John R Hale is published by Gibson Square and is out now.

The Book Swap World Tour

So the Firestation Book Swap begins its world tour at the Much Ado Bookshop in Alfriston, Sussex on Saturday, May 8th.

Much Ado was voted Independent Bookshop of the Year in 2007. I hear great things about it from the locals.

I will be orchestrating the fun alongside Robbie Hudson, author of The Kilburn Social Club. Robbie is a regular book swapper who has also been a guest on the sofa and a stand-in host during Marie's month off.

Joining us will be Mick Jackson, author of the Booker-shortlisted Underground Man, whose new novel is The Widow's Tale.

And alongside Mick will be crime writer Lesley Thomson. Her latest book is A Kind of Vanishing.

The swap kicks off at 3pm. Tickets are £5 each and available at Much Ado or on the door. As is traditional, anyone who bakes a cake gets in for free.

It should be lots of fun and we are looking forward to our little jaunt.

More dates up and down the country to be announced soon. Probably.

Meet Cornelius Quaint

Well, not really.

You can meet his creator, Darren Craske, though. He is the author of The Equivoque Principle and its sequel, The Eleventh Plague. Victorian adventure stories with a sprinkling of the supernatural about them.

Darren will be appearing at the Paperview Bookshop in Ringwood on Saturday 24th April. This will be his first ever book event so do please pop along to say hello if you are in the area.

Festivities kick off at 4pm. More details here.

It's Balmy Down At The Kway

That rock legend F.R. David put it best when he sang the immortal line:

'Words don't come easy to me'

Certain words, in my case. They just don't work for me. I have some sort of mental block.

Take QUAY, for example. I know full well that it is pronounced key. Always have done. Always will. On the rare occasions I have to say it aloud I have no problem at all.

But every single time I come across it in a book - something that happens far more often that you'd imagine - I pronounce it kway in my head.

Why is that? It is most annoying.

And it is not the only one.

BALMY. The dictionary definition is 'having the quality or fragrance of balm; soothing' and 'mild and pleasant'.

An obvious, and frequent example, being a balmy sea.

But oh no, not in my head. Any time a balmy sea is mentioned I imagine a dark and stormy stretch of water. Even though I know full well the opposite is the case.

Does this happen to any of you? 

Care to share?

Or is it just me?

Quick Flick: The Poet's Wife

John Clare was known as 'the peasant poet'. I knew that.

He went mad. I knew that too.

But there ends my extensive knowledge.

This novel is about him. It is, you will be amazed to learn, narrated by his wife.

It begins with Clare newly escaped from the asylum and failing to recognise his wife and son when they approach him near the family home. Doubly heartbreaking for them is that he claims to be on a quest to find his childhood sweetheart, someone other that Mrs Clare.

If the only people who read this book are fans of Clare's poetry then the publisher probably doesn't need to print beyond these advance review copies but hopefully it will find a much wider audience as I was quite taken with what I have read so far.

Will I read on? I think so.

The Poet's Wife by Judith Allnatt is available in hardback now.

Guest Blogger: Keris Stainton

My very first job - a Saturday job - was in a book shop. Sort of. It was half books and half stationery and the evil manageress didn't trust me near the books. I worked from 8 until 6 with half an hour for lunch and two fifteen minute breaks and was paid £10. (Obviously this was in olden times.) After I'd got the sack (for failing to turn up after travelling to Birmingham for a Bros concert. What?), I started working in John Menzies.

Not only were the pay and conditions better, they allowed me to work in the book department. I remember filling a remainders basket of books for 50p and saying to a colleague, "Can you imagine how sad it would be if you'd written a book and then saw it in one of these?" She looked a bit startled for a moment and then bent double with laughter. Not a writer then. Or perhaps she was...

Once I turned 18, I moved to London and did many different jobs. At one point I was working in a music industry accountants during the day, as PA to a couple of household names (seriously) and an Abba tribute band (seriously) in the evening, and in a remainders book shop at weekends. The book shop was my favourite. Hardly anyone ever came in so I just got to read all day. I couldn't quite believe I was getting paid for it. It couldn't last (the shop closed down).

But a few years, many more jobs (usher at Wembley stadium, various record companies) and a move back up north later, I got a job in Waterstone's. I was thrilled. I loved talking to the reps. I loved getting the proofs. I got overexcited when The Bookseller arrived and I never stopped doing a little wiggle of joy when the book trolleys rolled out of the lift. I loved the customers (okay, most of them) and loved giving recommendations and getting recommendations, even if they were almost always for Maeve Binchy. It was the best job I'd ever had.

Once again, I couldn't believe I was getting paid for it. The problem was, I just wasn't getting paid very much. In fact, not enough to live on. I held out as long as I could, but eventually had to go back to an office job where, thankfully, I started taking my writing a bit more seriously and eventually was able to leave and write full-time (if you can call it "full-time" if you spend most of the day on Twitter).

For as long as I can remember I've loved books. And now I've written one. I've always loved working in book shops and now my book is going to be on the shelves. On the shelves of shops that I've worked in myself. I'm just hoping it doesn't end up in that 50p remainder bin...

---

Della Says: OMG!, a novel for young adults by Keris Stainton, is published on May 6th.

'Della’s over the moon when she kisses her long-standing crush at a party – but then she discovers her diary has disappeared... When scans of embarrassing pages are sent to her mobile and appear on Facebook, Della’s distraught – how can she enjoy her first proper romance when someone, somewhere, knows all her deepest, darkest secrets'

Keris' visit here is part of her blog tour. In fact this is the very first leg. You can see a full list of tour dates and locations here. The next stop will be at the lovely website of Caroline Smailes.

Quick Flick: The Ice Age

A 17 year old girl hitches a lift with an older man. Neither has anywhere particular to go so they drive around America smoking, drinking and hanging out as an unlikely relationship blossoms.

On The Road meets Lolita (once she came of age).

This is a debut from a promising new writer and one I know Picador have high hopes for.

Will I read on? Definitely, this looks really good.

The Ice Age by Kirsten Reed is published next month. Keep an eye out for it. The cover looks better in real life than it does in this pic.