INT. MILLENNIUM OFFICES - DAY.
DANIEL CRAIG
Mumblemumblemumble
ROBIN WRIGHT
Why are you mumbling? It's the start of the movie, people need to understand what's going on.
DANIEL CRAIG
It's so that no one realises that I'm not doing an accent.
ROBIN WRIGHT
You're not doing an accent? I'm doing an accent, why aren't you?
DANIEL CRAIG
I can't do Swedish. I can have a crack at American. I also do a good spy accent. Just not Swedish.
ROBIN WRIGHT
Isn't that sort of the whole point though? This is an American remake but we are all pretending to be Swedish. All the writing is in Swedish. Look at the headline of our pretend magazine - Swedish.
DANIEL CRAIG
Yeah, sorry about that. I plan to get my arse crack out later to distract people.
ROBIN WRIGHT
That's not much use to me now, I am having to shoulder all the accent duties. I am not best pleased, Daniel.
DANIEL CRAIG
Again, I'm sorry.
ROBIN WRIGHT
That's OK, I suppose, my ex-husband was pretty shit at accents as well. Now, when do we get to see this arse crack of yours?
DANIEL CRAIG
Not till later on, those opening credits were great though, weren't they?
INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM - DAY
DANIEL CRAIG
What the fuck are you doing here?
MARTIN JARVIS
I'm sorry?
DANIEL CRAIG
Shouldn't you be narrating a Just William audiobook or something? You're not a movie actor.
MARTIN JARVIS
At least I'm doing a fucking Swedish accent, dearie.
STELLAN SKARSGARD
Gentlemen, please. If it makes you feel any better I am the only real Swedish person in the cast and my accent sounds American.
DANIEL CRAIG
He's got a point.
INT. LISBETH SALANDER'S APARTMENT - MORNING
DANIEL CRAIG
Hello, I'm Mikael Blomqvist. I've brought you some breakfast but you are not having any till your lesbian lover leaves the building.
ROONEY MARA
Hang on, what's that accent you're doing?
DANIEL CRAIG
I'm not doing one.
ROONEY MARA
Why the fuck not?
DANIEL CRAIG
David Fincher gave me special permission.
ROONEY MARA
Let me get this straight. I've got my nose pierced, my eyebrow pierced, I've even got my tit pierced, I will shortly have unspeakable things done to my bottom and I'm doing a Swedish accent but you can't be bothered?
DANIEL CRAIG
It's not that, it's just that my Swedish accent ends up sounding a bit Welsh.
ROONEY MARA
It's because you are James Bond, isn't it?
DANIEL CRAIG
I will be getting my arse crack out later if that helps at all?
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
ROONEY MARA
Aren't you Jim from Neighbours?
JIM from NEIGHBOURS
Shh, today I am being a Swedish policeman.
ROONEY MARA
You're in everything now, aren't you?
JIM from NEIGHBOURS
Well, yes, I do pop up now and again. It is because of my ability to do a range of accents. Did you see me in the shit Indiana Jones movie?
ROONEY MARA
Your Swedish is very good, better than Daniel's.
JIM from NEIGHBOURS
Yes, I had noticed. Between you and me, I think he gets away with it because he is James Bond.
ROONEY MARA
Have you got any gossip about Kylie?
INT. COTTAGE - NIGHT
DANIEL CRAIG
If you could hurry up and stitch this wound then I can get my arse crack out to make up for the no accent thing.
ROONEY MARA
OK, hold still.
DANIEL CRAIG
It's a nice arse, by the way, not hairy.
ROONEY MARA
So I've heard.
DANIEL CRAIG
I am sure you'll feel much better about things once I've given it an airing.
ROONEY MARA
So much so that I will take off all my clothes and have sex with you?
DANIEL CRAIG
Hopefully, yeah.
ROONEY MARA
Well, it's in the script so you are pretty much on a promise, sunshine.
DANIEL CRAIG
You're very good, by the way.
ROONEY MARA
How would you know? I haven't shagged you yet.
DANIEL CRAIG
No, I mean in the role. As Lisbeth. You're very good.
ROONEY MARA
As good as Noomi Rapace?
DANIEL CRAIG
Well, perhaps not quite as good as her but you're the best thing in this remake by a mile.
ROONEY MARA
I can always change my mind about that shag, you know.
DANIEL CRAIG
No, you can't do that.
ROONEY MARA
Why not?
DANIEL CRAIG
Fincher's already changed the ending so we've got to keep the sex scene in otherwise fans of the book will be up in arms.
ROONEY MARA
OK, well get that arse crack ready, your luck's in.
Excellent blog - and very entertaining -thanks
Posted by: stephen terry | December 30, 2011 at 05:50 AM
*falls about laughing*
Posted by: D.J. Kirkby | December 30, 2011 at 08:39 AM
His lack of accent confused me for a long time. I also seem to remember an Irish accent from somebody at one point (can't remember who) which really made wonder what was going on. But once I accepted all that and ignored it, and then saw boobs, it was all good.
Posted by: Jo | December 30, 2011 at 09:28 AM
If they're all supposed to be speaking Swedish, but, by the miracle that is Hollywood, we can understand everything they say, surely none of them should have an accent?
Posted by: mike | December 30, 2011 at 09:38 AM
Which would have been fine by me, Mike. If your lead actor can't do one, why make everyone else do one?
Posted by: Scott Pack | December 30, 2011 at 09:43 AM
I bloody love this.
Posted by: Robbie | December 30, 2011 at 11:35 AM
Glad I'm not the only one who spent most of the film wondering why Daniel Craig was the only one not doing the accent, it was most distracting. Sadly though I think it was the least of the film's problems. What was great about the Swedish film was that it gave the story the drastic edit it needed. Fincher seems to have put it all back in and some of it in a funny order. He's then buried key plot points in quick shots of computer screens/emails and mumbled dialogue. So disappointed. I love Fincher's films. The Game is one of my all time favourite films and Fight Club and Seven would certainly make my top 40. But this was just bad story telling. And it wasn't dark enough. I was so disappointed that, after seeing it, I came home and watched the Swedish one again, which, ironically felt far more like a David Fincher film than David Fincher's did. The original sorts out almost all of the book's many problems, Fincher's version just highlights them. Shame. Still, hopefully the next two are better than their swedish counterparts which where a bit of a let down.
Posted by: Dan | December 30, 2011 at 02:43 PM
The whole family just trooped out, in the rain, to see this. I suspected it would not be as good as the original films so stayed in with some wine, books and some great blogs (like this one). Today I am made of WIN!
Posted by: BucksWriter | December 30, 2011 at 03:47 PM
Excellent! I'll have to watch the bloody thing just to work out *why* Fincher bothered; I was perfectly happy with the Swedish version myself.
Posted by: Slayed | December 30, 2011 at 07:46 PM
...this has nothing at all to do with this - just wanted to say I was pleased to browse the British Library bookshop yesterday and almost trip over The Dodo. I would say 'a stack of Dodos', only they'd all been sold and there was only one left.
That's all. Oh, and American remakes are ridiculous. A bit of Swedish has never hurt anyone.
Posted by: Lizzy | December 30, 2011 at 08:58 PM
I nearly didn't read this post as I just got the books for Christmas and I was worried about spoilers.
Yeah, no.
Posted by: Sarah | December 31, 2011 at 03:01 AM
Thanks for all the kind comments, had no idea this would strike such a chord. 2,500 visited the blog yesterday, which was nice.
Lizzy, I had heard that the British Library bookshop was stocking Dodos and that it has been selling well!
Posted by: Scott Pack | December 31, 2011 at 08:53 AM